Anxiety Whispers

I walked into the psychiatric clinic with the feeling of a million eyes watching, fingers pointing at me, taunting me.  I took in the waiting room and the people therein.  They didn't LOOK crazy, they looked normal.  Or at least I think they did.  You see I had been brought up in an era, an era of the church that is, where therapists and psychiatrists were looked upon negatively.  There was a belief that mental issues were akin to spiritual oppresion and that all matters of the mind could be dealt with in the Pastor's study and with prayer.  Now, dont misunderstand me, I am not in any way implying that we should not first pray for out infirmities.  Having said that, I will make the point that mental illness is as much a physical ailment as heart disease, diabetes or cancer. 

I was nervous waiting for the therapist, not sure what to expect.  I was eventually called into her office which was comfortable and relaxing.  There were not finger puppets or water colors for me to "express" myself, just a couch, some nice decorations and plants.  She sat down at her desk and we made small talk for a bit.  She didn't ask me about how I felt about my childhood, mother or father, she just asked me what had brought me to her office.  Voice quivering, blinking back tears,  I explained some of the things I had been suffering and then I began to tell her the events that had taken place in my life over the last two years.  As I retold my story with all it's sordid details, I observed the good doctor as her eyes widened her chin dropped to her chest and her mouth gaped open.

As I finished my story I felt completely spent, drained.  Envision a balloon that has been filled with air to the braking point and then suddenly all of that air has been let out in a matter of seconds, and now said balloon lies limp and deflated on the floor, that's how I felt, but it felt good!  It was nice to tell a completely unbiased, non judgemental person whom I had never met in my life how I felt.  It was liberating.

Her reponse to my story and symptoms?  "Shawnacee, I am diagnosing you with PTSD and depression".