Anxiety's Story

I needed to write!  That's what I thought.  Tell my story, finally get it out there.  It would be threapeutic, writing has a way of healing me.  Its as though the stress flows from my brain, thru my arms and out my finger tips as I pound the keyboard.  And that is exactly what I did.  I told my story in blog form, entitled "Finally". 

What I thought would be a short blog series turned out to be a very LONG series of blogs.  The more I typed the more I remembered.  At times I wrote with tears streaming down my face.  At other times I pounded out my anger on those keys and ended my sentences with a lot of exclamation points.  I was obsessed, and my husband noticed.  I felt driven to release the pent up emotion and deep secrets that had plagued me for years. 

The response of the readers was remarkable.  I had expected perhaps a hundred or more people would read my story, never envisioning that it would touch thousands.  I was stunned!  At last count that one series of blogs has had over 20,000 hits.  I received private messages on facebook from people I had never even met before who had loved ones, or who they themselves were suffering the same thing I and my late husband had suffered.  It gave me great pleasure to know that in some small way I could be a voice to all those people who remained silent in their pain.

Write a book!  Write a book about this!  Was the request of many.  I called Headquarters and explored their methods of publication.  I considered self publication.  However there was one problem.  The telling of the story had pummelled me, destoyed me, sent me to my knees emotionally once again.  I didn't see it at first, but I finally realized that I was in a deep, dark sea of depression brought on by dredging up things better left under the blood.  I was beaten to a pulp.  I did not have the emotional strength to write a book.

It was hurting my relationships.  I had to let go of this, let it be in the past where it so desired to be.  I could not spend my life living and reliving over and over again the events that led up to August the 6th 2009.  I had to move on, put one foot in front of the other and just walk!  I had not relaized the toll that writing that blog had taken on me.  And so, I decided to shelve the book idea and with the encouragement of my husband, I went to a "head doctor", a therapist............................................